(Part: 11) Burning Desires (Sidnaaz)
The next morning, I woke up feeling well-rested and blinked a few times to be fully awake. I noticed that I was naked with the sheets covering the lower half of my body.
That’s when the events of last night came rushing back to my head.
I turned to find the other side of my bed empty.
“He left,” I whispered sorrowfully, tracing the empty side of the bed. I felt a stabbing pain in my heart and tears made their way down my cheeks.
Of course, what did I expect?
Breakfast in bed?
“I fucked up, everything. How could I cry in front of him? How can I lose my mind yesterday.” Tears were continuously falling down my cheeks and my chest is becoming heavier.
“Whatever he said, was that a lie?” I continued, choking back a sob. I bit my lips and controlled so hard not to cry for him.
“No, Shehnaaz. You can’t cry like this. You’re strong. Come on, get up and face the reality.” I got up, wiping my tears, made my way towards the washroom.
As soon as I came inside the washroom and looked at my reflection in the mirror, tears again started trickling down my cheeks as flashes of yesterday night started coming all over again. My make up was smudged and I noticed a few hickeys on my neck and twins.
“I can wipe away the tears from my eyes, but I can’t wipe away the pain in my heart, Sidharth.” I let out a huge breath, wiping my tears and jumped into the shower.
After scrubbing myself clean, I came out wearing a towel around my body and bumped into a naked chest. I screamed in shock and looked up to see Sidharth holding a cup of coffee. He held his stomach and started laughing uncontrollably at my reaction.
He was still here? Am I day-dreaming?
“Damn, look at your face.” He brayed.
“You’re real?” I blurted out and tears again rolled down my cheeks.
“Shehnaaz, what happened?” He whispered and his face went all serious. “Why are you crying?” He continued, wiping my tears. Concern is clearly visible on the face.
Is he really concerned for me?
No, Shehnaaz. You can’t do this. You should end this. Yesterday night was a mistake. What if, he didn’t mean all that in that way? You were drunk. Don’t be weak, Shehnaaz.
“I think you should leave, Sidharth,” I uttered in a serious tone, and I was about to walk past him, but he stopped me, pulling me by my arm.
“What? Why?” He breathed out, confusion lacing his tone.
“I was drunk, Sidharth. Whatever happened between us w-was wrong.” I said without looking at him. I can’t face him because I’m lying to him because it wasn’t wrong, It was heaven for me.
“What? Wrong? Shehnaaz, I know you were drunk but trust me, whatever I said, whatever I did, I mean it.” He said cupping my face in his palm and pained look on his face.
“Sidharth, just leave,” I replied, trying to push him away.
“Tell me you don’t feel anything for me and I swear, I won’t bother you again.” He whispered, and I remained silent, looking down and fighting back with my tears.
“You know what, you are a fucking coward.” He yelled, jerking me.
“Yes, that’s right. You heard me. You want a way out of this just because things are getting serious and you actually feel something for me too,” He spat out in anger, and I finally moved my eyes filled with pain to him.
It was like he was seeing right through me.
“You know nothing about me,” I whispered even though he was freakishly right.
I was a fucking coward.
“Exactly,” He paused and we kept staring at each other before he spoke, “At least I was willing to give this a try unlike you.” He replied with no emotions in his face, utterly blank.
I wanted to give this a try too, but I was so scared. I was scared of how strongly I felt for him. What if he left me in future? Then, what will I do? Before he left me, I should push him away.
“Let’s just talk. Please.” He whispered, gazing deep in my eyes while I turned my face and remained silent, though I want to just turn to him and kiss the hell out of him.
“You know what, I don’t care anymore.” He spat out in anger and stormed out of the room and bang the door so loudly, making me jerk a little. I wanted to go behind him so badly and hug him but this was for the best. I’ll mess up his life, with my insecurities.
I’m a total mess!
I deserve to live alone. I can’t give love and happiness to anybody because I don’t know how to love and what happiness is. I deserve to live like this, alone and with emptiness in my heart.