Last night was not less than a nightmare for me, I was crying whole night thinking about his painful condition. Why love makes the person so weak?
I was feeling so helpless because I couldn’t do anything for him. I was not understanding what I should do to make him happy. He was behaving with me like I am a piece of shit and still I was worried about him. That’s called unconditional love where you love the person without any expectations. I also loved him without any expectation because I was sure that he would never stop loving Nandita. I really wanted him to love me back but for me more important was his happiness.
I was taking breakfast at the dining area when Ramu Kaka walked in. As he told me something, I froze and the spoon dropped down from my hand.
“Koe Sidharth naam ka ladhka aaya milne aapse, meine unhai hall mein bitha diya. (A boy name Sidharth has come to meet you, I have made him sit in the hall.)” I stood up from the chair, widening my eyes in shock.
“Why he has come here to meet me?” I wondered and my heartbeat quickened. “He must have come here to again insult me or to warn me.”
I dashed towards the hall to meet him. He was sitting on the couch, facing his back to me. My heart was thumping with fright. Seriously that time I was afraid to meet him because his behaviour hurt me. I took a deep breath to gather the courage to face him before strolling in front of him. I found him staring down at the floor, lost in his deep thoughts. I stared at him, having concern and love for him in my eyes.
“Sidharth,” I was standing little far away from him. He raised up his head to look at me with his sorrowful eyes. Like always I got lost in his eyes full of anguish which was asking me to help him.
He got up from the sofa and ambled towards me, my heartbeat accelerating. Next moment I closed my eyes to make myself ready to bear his insult because I was sure that he gonna shout on me.
“Shehnaaz, I am sorry.” As apologised, I instantly opened my eyes in a shock and found him gazing at me guiltily. I felt like I was dreaming. I couldn’t believe my ears.
“The way I behaved with you and treated you, it wasn’t right. I shouted on you and insulted you without any mistake. Whatever I did with you was completely wrong. I shouldn’t have taken out my anger on you. Hope you forgive me.” He was guiltily for his behaviour and I was staring at him in utter disbelief. The way he had behaved me, I had never thought that he would apologise like this from me. I’m completely shocked.
He paused and took a deep breath. He continued. “My anger is not in my control. I myself don’t understand what I do. I can do anything because of my anger and therefore I am saying you to stay away from me. I don’t have anything to give you. You will only get pain and only pain. If you come closer to me, you will get hurt and I really don’t want that you should get hurt.”
For the first time, I was seeing the concern in his eyes for me. His words didn’t affect me because I was already to play with this fire. I was a bit relieved because for the first time he was talking to me nicely.
“Ek bat bolu, yeh jo tum bewaja sabh par gussa karte ho. You do this because of your pain. Your pain wants to come outside, but you are not letting your pain to come out, therefore your pain is coming out in the form of your anger. You won’t get peace until you take out your pain.” I was trying my best to make him understand and he was looking at me blankly, and his next words hurt me a lot.
“I know this, but the thing is that I don’t want peace and I want to live with this pain.” he paused and as he squeezed his eyes shut, few tears drop down his cheeks and my heart ached painfully.
“Because Nandita is also living in pain. How can I move on and live happily when she is living pain? It is not easy to move on in my case. I can’t move on even if I want to move on.” He uttered dejectedly and his eyes full of tears. My eyes also brimmed with tears after seeing his condition, but I controlled myself by taking a deep breath because it was not the right time to get emotional.
“Sidharth,” I placed my hand over his face and he looked at me like a small baby who was suffering in agony but couldn’t share his pain with anybody.
“Let the pain go, please. I am not asking you to move on forgetting Nandita. I am just asking you to let the pain go because you won’t get fine until you let your pain go.” I wanted to say this to him from such a long time. I could see my words were affecting him. Now I was waiting for his reply. He was just staring at me, dejected. I was constantly caressing his dark stubble with my thumb to relax him. I’m gazing at him intensely, my eyes full of love.
After a few minutes of silence, I uttered. “I don’t know who was Nandita, but I am sure, she would have never wished to see you in pain. At least for her, stop hurting yourself, try to live your life and let all your pain go.” I tried my best to explain to him. He took a few steps backward after removing my hand from his face.
He shook his head. “This pain will not go until I find Nandita.” I closed my eyes disappointedly.
“You think I didn’t try to live my life. I tried so many times and tried so many ways to let my pain go and live happily for my family, but nothing helped me out. It just gave me more pain. Only Nandita can bring light in my dark world, only she can bring a smile on my face. My heart will get relief only after knowing that she is fine.” He closed his eyes, distressed.
“Why are you thinking negative, maybe she is fine?” As I spoke, he instantly opened his eyes.
“She is living where she can never live happily, nobody can live happily there.” Fresh tears trickled down his cheeks.
“If you know where she is living then why can’t you go there and bring her back?” As I asked, first he sadly looked on the other side and then looked at me helplessly. My heart cried a lot seeing him so helpless.
“It is not easy to find her there, it is difficult but I will not lose hope.”
“Then where is she?” I asked instantly.
“She is the hell where there is only and only pain.” His voice chocked because he was crying. His words were confusing me more.
“Where, Sidharth?” I asked again. I wanted to know.
“Acha hoga ki tum na hi jano.” He answered me and started ambling towards the door after leaving me baffled.
“Where is she? I want to know.” I murmured, holding my head. I was feeling like my head would blast thinking about Nandita.
“Everybody is making me more and more confused. But one thing happened well today, he didn’t behave rudely today. He talked to me nicely.” A small smile flashed on my face. His behaviour was hurting me a lot and I’m a bit relieved now.
So how do find the update?
Got shocked to see changed behaviour of Siddharth?
What do you think, where is Nandita?